Where I'm Supposed to Be |
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Author: Leopard
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Type: Fan Fictions
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Rating: Moderate
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Status: Complete
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Series: My Brother, My Brother
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Preceding: None
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Succeeding: I've Come Home
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A Thor-centric short. Immediately after Thor. Could be sad. Based on and inspired by the song Severus and Stone by Radical Face.
"Loki, Loki, no, no, please, Loki no..." Thor knelt at the edge of the shattered Bifrost. The weight of what had happened was starting to sink in, and pull Thor down. He had destroyed the Bifrost and he would never see Jane again and- He was gone, Loki was gone, his brother. How could he be?
Thor was aware of his father stood behind him. "Why?" he whispered, unable to make his voice any louder for fear it would break. Odin placed a hand on his son's shoulder.
"He was a fool." Thor turned his head to look at his father. Was he really blaming Loki for what had happened? It couldn't have all been his fault, something else must have happened during his exile because Loki wouldn't commit genocide for no reason. If only they had been rescued faster. If only Loki hadn't felt the burning urge to prove himself by any means necessary. If only. He may have been a fool but now he was gone and calling him names wouldn't bring him back.
"No. He was worthy." said Thor quietly, the tears suddenly falling down his face. Why wasn't he coming back? maybe it was just a trick, a cruel trick, maybe if Thor stared into the abyss for long enough Loki would come back to laugh at him and call him a great sentimental oaf.
"Loki was not worthy." Odin seemed to resent this idea. "Loki was foolish and rash. Come, Thor." It was as if he expected Thor to get up and go inside as if nothing had happened. He didn't move at all. He couldn't,
"I can't leave him, I can't, I-" Thor's voice finally cracked as he searched the empty expanse before him. Nothing. "He needs me."
"You will freeze to death out here. Come inside." Odin was gentler now. Thor couldn't peak any more, he couldn't move, he couldn't think. Loki still needed him, Loki needed him to take him home when he came back. Why wasn't he coming back?
"Thor, Loki is gone. There will be time to mourn." Thor shook his head. Why didn't his father care? Their father. Thor clasped his hands together and tried not to shake and rock.
Time moved, spilling into the abyss. Thor was aware that Odin had gone. He was alone and now he could cry out without fear and shame. Sobs tore through his body as he screamed and shouted. He called out for his brother for a long time.
Thor woke at the edge of the Bifrost. He couldn't remember having fallen asleep and his eyes still felt watery. His cape was wrapped around him. He felt like a child; when he and Loki were young, they had often slept under the stars or in the woods or by the lake, their capes blankets. Loki.
Thor felt as though he had been awake for a thousand years.
He slipped back inside, but instead of going to his room to change or wash, he found his legs taking his to Loki's. He stepped inside.
Frigga was sat on the bed, Loki's sheets bunched in her hands. Thor spoke softly. "Mother," She looked up and smiled, sadly, thinly.
"Thor. I was wondering when you might come inside." Of course, it all made sense now. Frigga had been the one who had wrapped his cape around him in the night. Thor repeated his question, knowing his mother would give him an honest answer.
"Why?" Frigga beckoned for him to sit next to her on the bed. He did.
"There are several things you should know that will better explain your brother's actions." Thor interrupted. He'd never been good at thinking before he spoke.
"He wasn't really my brother, was he?" Frigga looked at his surprised. She dropped the sheets and placed her hands in her lap, shifting slightly to face Thor. "He said that, before he- when he- before-" Thor felt the words choke him, knives stuck in his throat.
"No, he wasn't. Not by blood. By blood, he is- was the son of Laufey." Thor must have looked horrified as Frigga smiled and made a hmph of laughter. "He was adopted as a small Jotun babe. You can imagine he did not react well to learning this."
Thor nodded. She needed not say anything else. Loki had found out he was a Jotun, the race that Asgard despised and the creatures he had always been told were monsters. He had felt the need to show he was not a monster, and tried to prove himself by killing them all. Thor would never understand how that would prove anything, but then he had never understood Loki's mind.
The he felt sick all of a sudden, remembering all the times he had mocked the Jotuns. All the times he had announced he would slay all the monsters and that they didn't deserve to live. All the times he had belittled Loki for not being as strong as he and oh, Norns, it was all his fault. All those words he had said, Loki wouldn't have forgotten.
"it's all my fault." he whispered, tears welling in his eyes. "If I hadn't been so cruel to the Jotuns, if I had just treated Loki better, he wouldn't have- he'd- he would still be here." I killed my brother. The thought echoed in his brain, haunting the emptiness.
Frigga shook her head with a frown and took his hand. "Do not blame yourself, Thor. If we are issuing blame then I am at fault as much as you for lying to him, and for allowing your father to lie to him, and had I not shown him how to use seidr then he wouldn't have felt so different and alone."
Thor opened his mouth to tell her that Loki had been the best sorcerer he'd even known and it wasn't her fault at all, but Frigga did not let him speak. "Do you understand? We should not be blaming ourselves for things we could not control. We should not dwell on hindsight, for then we shall see everything we have ever done as something that could have changed him."
Thor nodded again. She was right, but he couldn't help but let the crushing guilt in. "I understand. It's just, I can think of a hundred things I should have said and done."
Frigga looked away. "There is nothing we can do now except know we loved him dearly."
Thor knew that he had, even if he hadn't said it as many times as he should. He wished now that he'd done more to prove it, to prove to Loki that he was loved and that he is - was - so very important. Thor wanted to go and scream for him to come back.
"You should go and wash yourself." Frigga said, phrasing it as a suggestion. Thor understood perfectly well that he should leave. He stood and started to walk away but then stopped, hand on the door and turned back. Frigga was clutching Loki's sheets again.
"Mother?" he said, like a child again. Frigga looked up and Thor could see just how devastated she was, perhaps even more so than he was.
"Yes, Thor?" She sounded exhausted. Thor wondered if she had been awake all night.
"I miss Loki."
"I do, too."
Thor left the room without another word. As he walked away, he could hear his mother crying quietly over her lost son.